A Nudge

     I first "met" our son on January 8th. Of course, at the time, I didn't know this bit of information. I only saw his picture come across our agency's Instagram account. Our agency was in the middle of their #onewaitingchild campaign where they prayed for a little one's file each day. Naturally, his sweet and squishy face melted this Mama's heart. Been there. Done that. Several times. I'm often melted by the faces of these sweet and precious waiting children! This little guy captured a deeper spot in my heart though. And for the next month and a half, I thought about this little boy often. (Read: I stared at his pictures several times each week.)
     If you know anything about me, you know my heart is tender. Like way tender. I'm always the awkward person crying when someone else cries. I'm sorry. It's who I am. So my obsession with this little boy may not surprise you. But as I said...this was different. At the time, all I knew to do was pray. Every time I thought about him...I'd send up a little prayer.
     You see, just a month prior to "meeting" our son, our social worker had called us and told us about some program changes they were seeing within China. When we first began our China process more than a year ago, we were told the matching process for a home study like ours would be 2-3 months for a boy and 4-6 months for a girl. Since we were open to both, we were told we would likely be matched with a boy. Perfect. Wonderful. 2-3 months. Bam. Let's do this, China!
     Unfortunately, there were several other families with home studies just.like.ours. And so our agency was noticing that the wait for matching with a boy or girl was looking more like 6 months or even MORE. More!?!? By this time, we had been on this journey since November of 2014. (Sidenote: I actually had to look that up because I was second guessing 2014. It's felt like an eternity and yet I still can't believe we've actually been journeying for that long.) Hearing this news was definitely heartbreaking. I remember receiving the call in the hallway just as my students were coming in from recess. I held back tears as our social worker apologized for the disappointing news. Obviously, this was nothing she could control. But I appreciated her apology. I sucked it up and said what anyone would say..."I'm sure God has a good reason for this wait!" I plastered a smile on my face for 15 more minutes until my kiddos went to their specials class and let out a few goooooood tears.
     I called Eric to share my frustration and to cry some more, but we still came up with a list of "pros" about this program change. We were in total defense mode. 1. It'll give us more time with Emmaline. She wasn't even ONE yet! And then there's Sydney and Landon who are smack dab at the end of their school years. 2. I'll be able to finish teaching the school year because I have like NO sick days to travel to China and unpaid leave is uber expensive. 3. We have plenty of time to gather the remaining $20K that we need to finish our adoption. Alright, God. I get it. This will be ok. We will be OK. Fine.
     And stillllllll, I could not get this program change out of my head. Not because it was disappointing and frustrating. (It was most certainly both of those things!) But because it was aligning all too well with a nudge I had felt in that deeper part of my heart for a while. The nudge that began as a whisper and was turning more into a yell. The nudge that I had ignored and defended for far too long. This nudge...to consider a kiddo that might not match things written into our home study. This nudge to step outside what we might have once considered comfortable in 2014.
     Now...fast forward back to January 8th and the day I first laid eyes upon our sweet little boy. His face was constantly in the back of my mind. For fifty-one days. He's all I could think about. And so like I said, that nudge slowly turned into a shove with each passing day. On February 28th, I finally talked with Eric about what I had been feeling and told him again about this little boy that I had showed him back in January. He agreed that we should at least see if his file was still available. So I emailed our social worker and began the email with a safe and defensive "I'm sure his file probably isn't available...but" because you know, you have to be guarded sometimes. It's a human thing. And while I shouldn't have been, I was surprised when our social worker quickly responded with the words..."I would love to share his file with you! He has not been matched with a family yet and we only have his file until March 15!"
     February 28th. March 15th. That's 15 days. I'm so grateful God's nudge turned into a SHOVE! Sometimes we stand on the edge...afraid to jump in...I've written about this sort of thing before, I know. But boy oh boy, I cannot thank God enough for the nudge He began in me that helped us meet our son. The next two weeks leading up to March 15th were a wild ride and I cannot wait to share with you all the ways in which God worked with us and our little guy! Is God nudging you about something? I'm here to tell you...He nudges for very good reasons. Very.good.reasons.

   
   

Name Four Things

     Hello, world! It's me again. I believe I've been absent for roughly 376 days...but who's counting? Ok fine, I am. (Did I even do that math correctly?!) Either way, absence has made my heart grow fonder...fonder of several things lately...but one of which is this little ole spot in cyberspace.
     A week or so ago, I had wandered over to my dad's house with Landon...we were killing time while Sydney was at a Girl's Scout camp just around the corner. I was sick...I was tired...I was tired of being sick and tired. To add a little cherry on top, I had just realized that we actually missed the first day of camp because I had written down the wrong dates. Swell. Just swell. And as I'm sure you can tell, my attitude was equally as lovely as all of this "stuff." To accentuate the matter, my dad had the audacity to ask me to name something that was good in my life. Did he not know that now was NOT the time?! No, no, no he didn't. Who am I kidding? He did. He most certainly did. But, you know? Sometimes you just want left alone. You want the freedom to just sit back and not engage in conversations that require a lot of effort. Sometimes, you just want to simply be in the moment. Nothing more. Nothing less.
     Well...fast forward to a week later and this SAME conversation came up around the table after Easter dinner. This time, my younger sister had posed the question to her daughter. "Name 4 things you're passionate about (I think this was the wording)." Admittedly, I sat on pins and needles waiting to hear my niece's answer because she was being put in the same {uncomfortable} situation I had been in not too long ago. She named one. Slooowly came two. But, as we'd say in my Kindergarten classroom...she "needed more thinking time." I half-smiled and related to her response or lack of...expecting to move on to a different topic or stare at each other in silence. But ohhhh no. I wasn't going to escape this situation again. The question was then posed to me. ME! Again!
     I gave a slight laugh and paused. I quickly named two sports that I haven't played in sixteen years. What?! I stuttered and stumbled and came up with another passion I had {what seemed} eons ago. And then my sister obliged me by offering this token- "And you like writing..." I quickly grabbed a hold of her help and let the question move to my 7 year old and 3.5 year old cohorts. Naturally, Sydney asked if she could name MORE than four. Oh to be a kid again!
     So....writing. Yeah. Yeah, I do like to write. While I was grateful that my sister helped me to remember the fact that I do enjoy writing...I was also saddened that my sister had to help me remember the fact that I do enjoy writing. Writing is truly FUN for me. I would even LOVE to author a children's book one day. *I'm still holding out for my sister to be my illustrator.* But, why hadn't I sat down to type a single word in the last 370-some days? There's the obvious answers like...I had a baby. But she's ONE so that isn't the greatest excuse anymore. I work full-time...that's decent. But I also scroll through my social media accounts each night before I go to bed instead of choosing to do something like, say...write!
     Ironically, my oldest sister had posed a question to Eric and I earlier that same day...she wanted to know how we coped with living in a high-stress situation {read: adopting while raising 3 other kiddos concurrently} We basically didn't have a good excuse...I think we said something like..."We laugh a lot?" HA! I.don't.even.know. Clearly, we're expert copers. {<---sarcasm}
     But writing! People, I like to write! Writing is a way that helped me cope through a lot of my infertility journey. And sooooo I am choosing to hold ON to this passion. I'm dusting off the cobwebs. For myself. Because when I'm old and gray...and my kids have families of their own...I want a leg to stand on. I want an identity that can change through each season of life. I love being a writer. I can write as a mother. I can write as a friend. I can write as a teacher and as a sister. Writing is something that I can identify with in several areas of my life. So here's to writing and sharing bits and pieces of my life and my heart along the way.
     Phew. Ok. That was a wild post...but thanks for stopping by! I do have so much to write and share with you all. You know, things like...we have a SON! And...we get to bring him home this summer! And...he's only a month older than our Emmaline! You know...stuff like that. But until then...just do me one little favor. Name four things you're truly passionate about and then think about how those passions are playing out in your life...right now. And if you're bold enough...do something about those passions. Right now.

Before 6...comes 5

     1, 2, 3, 4, 5! FIVE! As of March 22, 2016 at 3:39PM...our family of 4 became a family of 5 with the arrival of our precious girl, Emmaline Elyse. She was born at 37 weeks and 6 days...arriving almost exactly a week before my scheduled c-section- just like her older brother! While her birth story was not one that was necessarily expected, it was full of God's grace, faithfulness, and protection. I can say without a doubt that we are all smitten with our new little bundle and we are enjoying the adjustment she's brought to our family. Sleeplessness, dark circles, and all.

     Our daily routines definitely look a bit different right now. My recovery this time was harder than my previous two surgeries...so my first week or two home was definitely rougher than anticipated! BUT, I am grateful to be back among the living and have enjoyed these new daily routines. For example, Landon stays home with me on his "off-school" days now and I get to pick up Sydney from Kindergarten. I have tried to keep these two things as consistent as possible- whether I've had less sleep the night before or whether Miss Emmaline needs to eat at the EXACT moment I need to leave to pick up the kiddos on time. And for the most part, it's worked out really well. Sydney and Landon have been more than understanding and forgiving of my schedule and their little sister's attachment to Mommy. And again, I am so grateful for this smooth transition. It's been an answered prayer to say the least.

     While we have been in a whirlwind of activity with our newest addition, we have also had a lot of activity with our NEXT precious bundle- the little one who will make us a family of SIX! I wanted to update everyone on where we are in the adoption process again since it's been a while. Now that Emmaline has arrived, we have ONE more visit with our social worker and we can begin to finalize our home study. *Our social worker has been a PEACH to work with and slowed down our home study a bit so she could include Emmaline. This saved us a lot of money as we would have had to pay for an "update" to our home study if it would have been finalized before Emmaline's birth.* We do have some more paperwork to complete and some other appointments that need to be made, but those items can hopefully be crossed off now that I'm on maternity leave. Ironically, my maternity leave has been looked at as a GREAT time to check these things OFF...teaching and coaching basketball left me very little time to accomplish these things between the business hours of 8AM and 5PM. No one ever seemed to answer my phone calls after 5PM...Hmmmm. Eric and I also have some trainings to complete as part of our educational requirement for our home study. Most are online classes that we can take at our own pace and on our own time- although we do need to be diligent with the timing of these trainings. This slight flexibility is helpful with our different schedules though. And it might come in extra handy when we need to pass the time during those early morning feedings! While Eric can't always help with the "feeding" part, he has been very helpful with diaper changes and burping so I can catch a few winks here and there.

     Once our home study is finalized, we can begin applying for grants and other financial aid to help with our process. We've also considered hosting another fundraiser or 2. This area continues to be something at the forefront of my prayer list as we get further and further into our process. We'd covet your prayers in this area too! Thank you!

     Once Emmaline is about 3 months old, we'll hopefully be at a point where we can begin the MATCHING process. Our agency prefers our file to be "on hold" until our youngest is around this age so it allows for an easier travel time. Basically, Emmaline will be slightly older when we'd need to travel to China which would make our travel plans more conducive to having little ones at home. Since we are still working on our file and eventually, working towards completing our dossier (GIANT packet of paperwork being sent to China)...we'll work for the next couple of months to get to a point where we're ready to match.

     I have been blown away at the provisions God has allowed in this process already. The timing has been His timing and not our own. We've had roadblocks and set backs, but we've also had victories and triumphs- both big and small. One of the biggest victories I've seen so far has been with Sydney and Landon. I've always had more peace than concern about their transition with all of our family changes. And time and time again, my peace has been solidified as our adoption has continued to be recognized by both of them. They've already planned how our "toddler" (this is what they call our little one) will fit into the minivan. Just the other day, Sydney explained that "The toddler can sit in the way back with me and Landon can stay in the middle with Emmaline. This way we can both watch out for them, Mom!" Comments like these make me so happy and thankful for God's plan and the story He's building with our family.

     And then there's Landon. Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, he goes to preschool. Part of his morning routine is a morning question that each student answers. Well this past Friday, Eric had dropped Landon off...so when I brought him home after school...it was natural for Eric to ask Landon what his question was for that day. Here was the question: How many people are in your family? Landon quickly shared that he answered SIX! Immediately, he followed up with "Is that right, Daddy?" Eric and I both smiled at each other...because while we are physically, a family of 5...emotionally, we ARE a family of SIX!

Unfolding {Part 2}

     It's shortly after 7 this morning...and I'm sitting in the sobering darkness of a quiet house. Life has been anything but quiet lately. And so, when I (unexpectedly) woke up as Eric left for sound practice at church this morning, I walked downstairs for my decaf and my computer. To write. To share. To simply be...in the quiet of a house...a house that typically isn't at rest.

     As I reread my {Part 1} post, I had to chuckle because I was 17 weeks along...and now, my computer scarcely fits on my lap due to a nearly 31 week belly. Ha! While I have just 8 weeks left before we meet our sweet baby GIRL, I wanted to sit down and take advantage of this quiet space to  share things that have been on my heart. It's been a little while...but so much has happened. So let's try to wrap up some of my loose ends from Part 1. I'll begin this post with the group: Fund the Nations. Check out their website here!

     I first came across FTN via Instagram which is probably not shocking to those who know me. I love connecting with shops and other adoption accounts on IG. It truly is a great community in that aspect. Fund the Nations helps create t-shirts for fundraising purposes and their designs are some of the most unique I've seen. If you've read any of my previous posts, fundraising is still a hard topic for us to swallow. We've wrestled with the idea a lot. In fact, we've been fairly quiet on that front since a couple of fundraisers (hosted by our dear friends) last Spring. The concept of a t-shirt was no different. I struggled with even contacting FTN to gather information. But after much deliberation and prayer, I decided to email FTN with nothing to lose. After all, t-shirts seem to be a popular fundraiser and I've been known to buy a t-shirt or 2 as a way to help other adoptive families. Maybe we could also give it a try...

     On July 31, 2015...I heard from Ricky, a Fund the Nations coordinator. The process was super simple and he assured me there was no pressure to go ahead with the design until we were ready. The minimum order was just 13 shirts. This felt like a good option. Then came the designing part. What would people want to wear? Would people even wear our t-shirt? I had zero idea. Thankfully, it wasn't dependent on my wealth (or lack) of creativity. Ricky asked me a set of questions about scripture that had stuck out to us on our journey, colors, type of t-shirt, the country we were adopting from, etc. I had mentioned a few verses, but kept coming back to our Blog Name and Steven Curtis Chapman's song. Glorious Unfolding. And then there was the country. Since we were still filling out MOUNTAINS of paperwork for South Korea, I hesitated. I deleted this particular detail at least 10 times. A part of me was afraid to put South Korea. Not because we would back out, but because it felt like such a tall mountain to climb yet. And all I could think about was the verse from Matthew 17:20. He replied, "Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." 

     Doubting this was doubting our Creator who could accomplish anything. And so I submitted our answers and shared our heart to adopt from South Korea. I wasn't even sure how he would use our country in his design and IF he would at all. After receiving our responses and feedback, Ricky sent me our design on August 4, 2015. August 4, 2015. That date should sound familiar from Part 1. And truthfully, it was breathtaking. That may seem like a silly phrase for a t-shirt...but I assure you...when you have ZERO idea of what you want a t-shirt to look like and someone (who you do NOT know) creates a perfect design of your heart...you use the word breathtaking.

     And so in the background was South Korea. The birth country of our son or daughter. I received this email at 6PM on August 4, 2015. This was about 8 hours after I had taken a pregnancy test and found out that we were now expecting. Expecting a baby was the only thing that would stall our process with South Korea. The only thing that would potentially remove us from the South Korea program. We signed and notarized papers weeks prior that stated our knowledge and acceptance of this fact. So here we were...overjoyed at the HUGE ANSWER to prayer that God had given us...new life...growing inside my tummy. A tummy that we thought was unable to do just that...grow new life. And yet, part of my heart was breaking...because I knew what this meant for our relationship with our agency and our country program. It was over. Wrestling with such opposite emotions is difficult. I felt ungrateful and grateful at the same time.

     I emailed Ricky and explained our circumstance and he was more than understanding. He told me we could sit on our design as long as we needed to even! There was a part of me that felt foolish for going down this path...after I had hesitated so much to even begin the inquiry process. But, truly, there's nothing foolish about God's plan. If anything, this t-shirt and our blog name has an even deeper meaning now in our story...in our journey. God had just continued to unfold our story at this point. A story that we had started more than 4 years ago...with unexpected twists and turns. There's been lots to unfold and unpack along the way. And again, I am eternally grateful that HE is the author and the illustrator of such a story.

   

Unfolding {Part 1}

     I'm back! I've got a few posts up my sleeve to update you all about what's been going on in our neck of the woods...so thanks for sticking around...or coming back...or maybe you're reading for the 1st time! In that case, welcome!
     Whether or not you've followed along in our journey thus far, you may be able to tell that the name of our blog was inspired by the song Glorious Unfolding by Steven Curtis Chapman. And for the last year...God has revealed just that...HIS glorious unfolding for our family. This summer was one of epic proportions in our adoption process. We finally closed in on the FINAL task of our giant home study to-do list and we were incredibly eager to begin our physical home study. There seemed to be a LIGHT at the end of our {first} tunnel.
     But God. He had different plans. His story was only beginning...and so in August...He wrote a brand new chapter into our family's story. On August 4th, Eric and I found out that we were going to be expecting at the end of March. Expecting?! Even at 17 weeks and growing, I can't quite type this news without tearing up because this was a phase I thought we had said goodbye to in our lives. While I've got a whole post planned on the feelings that preceded and followed our YES on August 4th, I wanted to pop in and let you know that God has allowed HIS story to unfold in our lives. In March, we will welcome home baby #3 and shortly after, we will hopefully be able to match with our little one across the ocean in CHINA!
     China, you ask? Yes! Due to South Korea's strict birth order policy, we were going to have to put our adoption process on hold for quite a while. In fact, our agency AND South Korea require that there is a 12 month difference between our youngest biological child and our adopted child. Well if you remember from my earlier posts, you typically match with a child in the South Korea program at 6 months old...which means our agency would require us to wait until our March baby was 18 months old before we could begin our home study and match process. Waiting this long would mean there'd be another 18 months of waiting beyond that... Naturally, I just presumed I'd be 40 by the time this was all said and done. Ha! Ok, not really. BUT! I was truly wrestling with the idea of putting our international adoption on hold. I didn't believe that God would allow infertility to be a part of our story for such a long time if He wanted us to just stop. Again, I've got a post dedicated to this part of our story too...but in short, we're excited to move on with a different agency and a different country program...and bring home our little one from China.
     I can't wait to share with you all the details of how God is unfolding our story as a growing family. Thank you to everyone who has prayed for and supported us on this amazing journey. To God be the glory! Amen!

Interrupted

God uses change to change us.

     Last Christmas, I had asked my mom for some books. While this may seem like an appropriate request for one's Christmas list, I can assure it is not for me. In fact, I think my mom (and sisters) nearly fell over in complete shock when I put book titles on our annual "Write down what you want for Christmas" extravaganza...which usually means my oldest sister has a pretty good list to go off of, my brother-in-law's list is super specific, and the rest of us just waiver in a lot of "I don't knows." 

     Anywho, one of the titles I put on my list was Interrupted by Jen Hatmaker and since it was one of three things I actually wrote down on my list...naturally, my mom bought it for me. Earlier this summer, I {finally} opened it and began reading. One of the quickest things to smack me in the head was this..."God uses change to change us." Well, yeah. That makes sense, right? It's such simple statement...yet also very profound. I jotted it down in my notebook only to revisit the idea a couple of months later.

     This summer was a lot of things for our family. It was fun, restful, and oh-so-needed. To date, I could say it was one of the best summers I've had with the kids. I'm thankful that God provided me with my dream teaching job while also allowing me to have the summer time to spend with our kiddos. We truly enjoyed settling into our new house and getting out and doing things this summer! Having previously lived in a community we weren't terribly involved in was difficult. While it was only a twenty-minute commute to family, friends, church, school, etc. the time added up. Some weeks, we would be away from home six nights of the week. Church on Sunday. My bible study on Monday. Eric's bible study on Tuesday. Wednesday night children's church. Friday night football game. Saturday night get-together. Honestly, it made for a very busy and stressful school year! And by the time summer rolled around, I kind of curled up into a little ball and wanted to just stay put.

     Ironically, this summer was also one of my roughest summers I've had to date. I dealt with a lot of health stuff...things that kind of piggy-backed off the end of my school year. Typically, I've always classified myself as a healthy person. For example, when I finally went to the doctor...and had to fill out mountains of paperwork...I couldn't even write down a family doctor's name for myself. I had to use my OB/GYN  because he was the most recent doctor I had been to...mind you our youngest is FOUR! Ha! To sum it up, I don't go to the doctor. If I've been sick (on the rare occasion), I've gone to urgent care. But I think God was urging me to slow down and focus on some self-care. Isn't that a mom's biggest area of concern so many times?! I spent most of June and part of July on steroids and other medications...and I began to feel a little better. I also gave up caffeine which is quite literally a MIRACLE. Don't get me wrong, I've had some caffeine a handful of times since June...but I went cold-turkey. From drinking coffee every day (and sometimes after school), I switched to drinking water. Let me tell ya, only God got me through that type of transition!

     This summer was full of change. Both good changes and bad. And as I began back to work today, {and not feeling particularly well again} I am reminded that God has used all of this change to change me. He's refined me. He's molded me. And although I've felt like I've had to cling pretty tightly at times, God has remained the same. UNchanged. He's caused me to rely on Him for my strength. And isn't that the focus of His change in our lives? To shift our focus to Him? God has certainly used changes in our life to change us. This summer was evident of that...and we are so grateful for all the ways He is changing us from the inside out. Our lives need to be interrupted. I pray He continues to interrupt our lives as He sees fit...so that we may stay focused on Him through thick and through thin.

It's the Final Countdown...

     Do you hear the music?! It's the final countdown, people! We're looking at finishing off the last 10 items (or LESS) on our HUGE checklist of 40-some items. AHHH! Eric stayed up until 1:30AM to finish his questionnaire. I assure you that answering the type of questions he had to answer that late at night is NO easy feat. It requires a lot of critical thinking...and after you've already put in a full day of work...the struggle was REAL! Of course, I supported him by staying up too. My job was a little easier as I chose to binge watch Chopped episodes on Hulu. As a result, Eric supported me by letting me stay in bed until 11AM because I didn't get any sleep last night. Don't judge. The struggle was REAL at 4:30AM when I was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

     I've been slightly frantic trying to gather our final paperwork so we can send off our LOVELY package (stuffed to the GILLS) to our agency. You can bet your bottom dollar that our lovely package will be mailed priority WITH insurance or whatever other coverage I need to get to make 100% sure it gets to who it needs to get to! Alas, the end seems near. Our case worker even emailed me and said we only have a few more items to check off. Yes, I already knew this, but it was good for my soul to hear that from her since this has been the never-ending story. This comment also piggy-backed off a slew of emails from our case worker informing me (in a very nice way) that some of the items I had already uploaded to our portal were not the correct items. It was a little discouraging since these were items I had already "checked" off our list. Luckily, they were all easily remedied and I got to check them back off our list.

     Our last final BIG items are notarizing a gazillion papers (which should be an easy task thanks to a family friend), getting our physicals (Eric's & Lindsay's) completed by the doctors, setting up our passport appointments with the post office, and getting the kiddos' physicals done. I mustered up the energy to take the kiddos to the doctor's office yesterday so we could drop off the paperwork and apparently, the entire office left at noon. To say I was frustrated is an understatement. UGH. After standing in the office window for a few minutes, a sweet lady behind me informed me that she thought the office was gone for the day. I asked the neighboring office secretary if this was true for every Friday and she said no...but it was true for today. Wonderful. We'll try another day!

     Financially, we've continued to be blessed by our MudLove fundraiser. Just when we go several weeks without selling a bracelet, we have a big rush of people who want to buy one or two or more! In the last two weeks, we've sold close to 20 more bracelets! We've taken a break on starting any more fundraising efforts. I've got one more idea that I'd like to start around Christmas time. Once we complete our home study, we can look into some grants or scholarships as a way to help offset our adoption costs. Our biggest upcoming costs will be our home study ($3,000-$7,000) and our program fee once we match with our son or daughter ($19,500). We're continuing to pray over these amounts and how these financial needs will be met. Thank you for your prayers for our family. We are so appreciative! Have a great weekend, friends!