Tuesday, July 3, 2018

Hands Full, Heart Full: Month TWELVE...ONE Year!



     As of TODAY, Josiah has been a Murray for an entire year. In many ways, it's hard to believe it's been that long. And yet, in some ways, it's hard to believe that it's only been 365 days.
     If I'm being honest, it's been an incredibly hard year. Incredibly hard. And also incredibly broken. And even so, incredibly, incredibly blessed. We've been asked on more than one occasion if adoption has been as hard as we imagined. And truthfully, my answer falls short of clear and concise...because my answer is yes and no. When you prepare for adoption with training and reading, and more reading, and more training, you know the great risks you take when you embark on this journey. You've heard the horror stories. You prepare for the worst-case scenario. But until you're in the thick of it, you just simply don't. know. 
     I vividly remember the day we met Josiah. I remember the smells, the sounds, the feelings. I remember walking into the room and looking at him for the first time and thinking how scared he must be...how his whole life was about to change. For the good? I wasn't so sure. I picked him up and he began to cry. I attempted to comfort, but I needed to distract. He didn't care who I was and what I said. Why would he? But, I remember opening up our bag and grabbing the cookies and the stacking cups. His crying stopped. He didn't really want to eat the cookies. But he held them. First just one cookie, then a second, then a third. We played with stacking cups and his crying still ceased. Then a fourth cookie. Then a fifth. All while holding his stacking cups. The time seemed to go by rather quickly and when it was time to leave, he left with little emotion. My heart broken into a million pieces. This didn't feel "good" to me. And yet, there we were...a Mommy and Daddy once again.



I remember getting back to the hotel and sitting him down on the bed. Eric left quickly with our guide to get some things at the local Wal-Mart. This wasn't my first rodeo as a Mama and yet it was...I was so nervous to be left alone with him. What if he didn't like me? What if he cried the whole time Eric was gone? Could I do this? I didn't really know. And then, a simple game brought a smile. That smile...within the first couple of minutes...it saved me. It let me know that we'd be alright. 


     The rest of the trip was filled with firsts. First kiss. First crying fit. First bowel movement. (We've never been so happy about a poopy diaper!) First hug. First vomit. First solid food. First refused bottle. First nap. It was quick and slow all at the same time. But I was so thankful for that time to learn about our little boy. Eric and I will celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary in December. And to this date, I can say, that our time together in China was my most favorite experience with him yet. Odd? Maybe. But spending two weeks in a country where English is lacking and comfortability is hard to come by means that you're completely dependent on one another to get by...and it was so good for my soul.

     Since we've been home, the firsts have continued. First mumbles of Mommy, first shots, first scooter rides, first time being barefoot on grass, first sentence, and we can't forget the first sensory meltdown (and the second, and the third, and the fourth). The list goes on. These firsts are often good and often bad. But we learn and change and try...over and over...until something clicks. Until we click. Until he clicks. What I've learned is that it largely depends on me. How is my attitude? How is my heart? What is my body language? Because it matters. It always does. And not just with Josiah. But with Sydney and Landon and Emmaline. And man, I've messed up a lot. I used to describe myself as patient and compassionate. But golly gee, there have been more times than I'd like to admit that I've been anything but patient or compassionate. However, if I'm aligned with God...then it all aligns. He works all the mess and uses it for good. God has remained faithful and continues to fill in my holes with His grace. So many imperfect holes made whole through Him. And I wouldn't be here...a year later...without any of it. I'm far from perfect...but I'm His.
    Today, we spent time celebrating Josiah...our fun-loving, smiley, full-of-energy, passionate, stubborn, BOY. It seemed fitting to take him to experience SkyZone for the first time. And we were not surprised that he LOVED it!




     Adoption allows God to reveal so many wonderful things...redemption, love, grace, faithfulness, goodness...to name a a few. But adoption can also reveal the darkest parts of your heart...the parts where you're challenged and defeated and left with uncertainty and despair and brokenness beyond all comprehension...and if you're not willing to see those things and feel those things...then maybe adoption isn't for you. Adoption requires a complete surrender. Surrender of that "perfect family" image. Surrender of everything you thought you once knew or understood. Adoption requires a complete surrender to Him. There is nothing that we've done to bless Josiah's life...anything that has been "good" has been the complete intervention of God through us as Josiah's family. And our biggest prayer is that Josiah will grow up to know how loved he is truly is...not just by us...but by God.
     We love you, Josiah Bug! We're so happy to have you in our lives forever. Happy Family Day!