Monday, June 8, 2015

Picking up the Pieces

     {My heart sank. It wasn't the first time...and I know it won't be the last. But a little piece of my heart broke when I read the words in that email. Another family who was reviewing his file had decided to move forward.}

     A while back, I had shared about this beautiful and precious little one we had reviewed. Well a couple of months ago, we learned that he had been chosen by another family before we could review his file again. Obviously, we were elated that this little one had found his forever family. But, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't heartbroken too.

     Of course, I can only imagine what you may be thinking. How can I be so saddened about losing a child I've never met? After all, I had only really "seen" him twice before. Honestly, I questioned my own emotionality over the situation. Life had been extra stressful lately- with moving and with work. Those stressors must be playing a role in my sensitivity to this precious little one. But as hard as I try to get over this little boy...I can't. Even when we were informed that two more little ones were added to the waiting list for us to heart didn't pitter-patter for them the way it did the first time with this little boy.

     So for the last couple of months, I've had conversations with myself about why this might not have been God's plan for our family. Reasons like: we would've had to do things a little "backwards" if we would have matched with this little boy...and he would've been a little older by the time we brought him home...and then there's this really big reason like...we're not even done with our home study yet?!?! Oh. Ok God. Great point.

{Can we just talk about that for a quick second minute? The home study?}

     I know I'm a broken record about the length and the amount of work a home study is...but quite frankly, I feel like we've been at a standstill for...ever. Forever ever. People are not kidding when they say it's a full-time job. The problem is...I already have a full-time job so finding time outside of my job as a teacher and mama (and sometimes wife, sorry Eric!) to paper chase and fill out pages upon pages of forms is HARD. I know, I know. I'm preachin'. And I know people do it. But I couldn't. So there, I feel better now. I. could. not. do. it.

     And furthermore, let me say, that it is even harder to come up with a worthy answer when people ask "How's the adoption going?" or "Are you matched yet?" An international adoption is a marathon...and I'm not a very good runner. Ask my sister. I ran track for 1 year in high school and felt sick before every event I was in...and why?! I don't even know...because they just put me in events to let me participate. We're talking...I couldn't even place in the top 3 in my heat. Like 5th heat type of stuff...JV status. I digress...back to my analogy...the marathon. So I feel like we got out of the gates quickly and the first few miles were great...our endurance was up and things were happening. But now we're a little further into the journey and the pace is slowing. I'm tired. Exhausted. Defeated. {Fill in the blank with any other negative emotion you can think of- HA!} And we've got a long way to go. It's so difficult to imagine the finish line when it's not in sight.

     And on top of these exhausted feelings, I’m beating myself up for falling in love with this little boy who cannot join our family. I’m embarrassed that I said “no” to him the first time because our life was too busy and we couldn't consult a doctor about his file. And one might say I’m overreacting…and that may be. But, I’ve been given the opportunity to consider more little ones…and my heart doesn’t leap out of my chest like it did the first time. It’s not the same. Will it ever be? Did I mess up? Did we mess up? Lots of thoughts. Lots.

     I know God has a plan. And I've read and heard countless other stories that tell us this will all be worth it. And I believe that...I truly do. We would not have made the decision to adopt if we were expecting or wanting this journey to be easy. That is for sure! These setbacks and hardships are not a surprise to us. But, when you're only in what seems like the very beginning of the journey, it also doesn't mean that it isn't hard to wade through the difficulty of this process and find the endurance to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

     But alas, it's June. Schoooooool's out for the summer! (cue the song) So full-time job aka home study here I come! Annnnd we're chugging back up the hill on this roller coaster of an adventure. Eric and I sat down yesterday TOGETHER (what?!) for a few hours to work on our adoption paperwork. I finished filling out our passport applications. I dragged my sick self to the park with both kids so Eric could finish his 9 pg. questionnaire...and we uploaded some photos of our family and our home to our agency's website. So we're off to the races again!

     Slowly, slowly, I am beginning to pick up the pieces of January through May...and lay them down into the bigger picture of our adoption story. We've got quite a few more pieces to find and I'm hopeful to see where June takes us on this roller coaster called adoption! Prayers are always appreciated, friends. Have a great week!

*Also, obviously with this blog's apparent that we finally have internet at our new abode. Cue the ANGELS singing! When all of your adoption paperwork is online, no internet makes for terrible progress in this race.*