Our Double Portion

     When we were in the process of our first adoption, we were asked several times about how we were able to adopt a boy. Most times, I'd try to explain the shift in China's one child policy and what China adoptions looked like NOW. I'm going to share this link to an excellent post from an adoptive Mama who is much more well-versed in this area than little ol' me. Within that SAME post, she also links an entry she wrote about the idea that a lot of adoptive parents prefer to adopt girls. This historical data means that boys are often on the waiting list for being simply that...boys! So as we approached this adoption, I had kind of thought we'd adopt a boy since they are often waiting more often than girls. This adoption wasn't to fulfill my "ideal" family...it was to further God's Kingdom in a way that He desired.
     So...shortly after my return to social media last Fall, I began scrolling through advocacy posts of waiting children, really thinking that we would be open to a boy or a girl. But, again, really thinking it'd likely be a boy. We wanted God to use our family as He saw fit. But, as I examined the tug on my heart towards down syndrome, I started focusing more on that aspect of our journey which narrowed my search just a bit. *When I say "narrow," I mean that there are several groups devoted to advocating for children with down syndrome. I searched mostly in these groups. I don't use the word "narrow" to describe the number of kiddos who have down syndrome AND need a family. There are so many kiddos waiting for families to say YES. 

Here are some numbers (China Adoption Program) from February 2018.

Age 0-2: 19 girls, 96 boys

Age 3-6: 327 girls, 804 boys

Age 7-12: 504 girls, 1266 boys

Age 13: 67 girls, 156 boys

Total numbers: 3,238 kids - 917 girls and 2,321 boys

Of the 3,238 kids waiting, 875 of these kids have down syndrome.

     At this point in my search and after focusing my time in down syndrome advocacy groups, I was feeling a small tug towards adopting a girl. I didn't want to perpetuate a statistic, but adopting a girl had been put on my heart. Perhaps, it was because I had felt strongly about a name for a daughter. A month or so before pursuing our sweet Aliza Joy...I had shared with Eric that I loved the name, Aliza, for a girl. Aliza is a Hebrew name which means joyful...but it is pronounced Ah-lee-zah. I preferred the spelling of this name (and the meaning!), but wanted to pronounce it with a long i sound. Ah-lye-zah.
     Well, fast forward to that initial conversation with someone at Show Hope (last December), and God reminded me that He is truly in every detail...and that choosing a name before we even knew who we'd welcome into our arms was not silly or without purpose...without His purpose! While the contact from Show Hope wasn't able to share any specifics about Aliza, she didn't have to share much when she used the phrase..."She is pure JOY" to describe our girl. Joy. Did you read that? Joy! This girl was JOY defined! That little "God" detail was not taken lightly. It felt SO personal and so clear.
     Towards the end of December, just before we left for Christmas break at school...I received another sweet glimpse into how God was moving and working in our adoption journey. As a Kindergarten teacher, Christmas time is often associated with gift-giving. While it's not encouraged or expected, seeing your students overcome with excitement about giving something to you...well, it's just plain heart-warming! I can usually count on a great mug or two. You see, I drink coffee every morning and often joke with my students that Mrs. Murray can't live without her coffee! Well, on this particular day, as I opened up a gift from one of my precious students, I was so excited to receive...a coffee mug! Except that this mug wasn't just any mug...because on one side...in the middle of heart...was that word. Aliza's word. JOY! And on the other side...the verse from Romans 15:13..."May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace..." 
     I had to hold back some tears. My poor students and their emotional teacher! Since we weren't officially matched with Aliza and were still finishing up our home study, we hadn't shared much about our adoption with anyone outside of our immediate family. But when I shared with this parent how much the mug and its word meant to me, the parent shared that this mug was actually not the original one she had picked out. It was one of those finds/exchanges you grab on your way to the checkout. See? God is in the details. And He uses others in His kingdom to bring about HIS plan.

     God revealed even more to me about how little faith I can have in leaving every detail to His hand. The following weeks seemed super chaotic and busy. Not only was it Christmas, but I was feeling an urgency about chasing after Aliza. From the technical perspective of the adoption process, we were not quite done with our home study. Per China's new rules, we had to have a home study before we could review Aliza's file. Previously, you could review a child's file at any point in the process. *This was quite a controversial change because often times, families would literally feel called to adopt after reviewing a file...not after beginning a home study.* At the time that I saw Aliza's advocacy post, her file was currently with a different agency. I did some quick messaging and was able to contact the SUPER SWEET advocate who worked with Aliza's current agency and ask for her information...specifically, when her file would be released back to the Shared List. We were already working with a different agency so we couldn't transfer. And... agencies usually have files for a certain amount of time. During this period of time, the agency tries to advocate and match the child with his/her family. However, if a family is not found, the child's file is returned to the Shared List and another agency has a chance to lock the file and advocate for that child. Of course, this was all a moot point because we couldn't lock her file without a completed home study...so if a family (who had a home study) came forward for her...they'd have the opportunity to match with her. See the trickiness? I was praying...but I needed to be praying for God's will and not necessarily whether He had chosen Aliza to be a part of our family. I couldn't be upset if a family came forward to adopt her...because every child belongs in a family. I absolutely believe that. But, let me tell you, it was HARD! This Mama had fallen hook, line, and sinker for this sweet girl...but I really felt God's hand over this situation.
     Enter: A HUGE BUNNY TRAIL about the Shared List: To make muddy waters even muddier, China dissolved orphanage partnerships around the time we brought Josiah home. Partnerships allowed agencies to basically receive files directly from their partner orphanages. It allowed for some consistency of files being created and also strong relationships between the agency and orphanage...among other things. Without partnerships, the process of "locking" files became a bit of a helter-skelter process. All files were placed on this Shared List and agencies had to log on and lock files that fit their family's criteria. For lack of a better comparison, imagine a draft day of some sort...when every player, item, what have you, is released...and you refresh your computer screen a million times before the file release begins at 8:00 a.m. and then make a mad dash to lock your file. That's sort of what I envision the process is like now with China's new rules. In fact, when we first signed on with our agency, our social worker was very up front in telling us that they had not locked a file of a "mild needs" child since January. Almost a year later. *Again, remember, I'm using "mild" in a general manner as this is still defined mostly by what a family is comfortable with handling. We are also working with a different, and smaller, agency than we did with Josiah. This could also affect their ability to "lock a file."
     Back to December...and receiving the information from Aliza's agency that we needed to track her file on the OMINOUS SHARED LIST. Now, Aliza was considered a waiting child, so theoretically, her file hadn't been sought out by many families up to this point. However, we still needed to ask OUR agency to seek out her file on a specific date when it was released to the shared list and pray they could lock it for us. This seemed SUPER stressful to me. The advocate I had been speaking to suggested that our agency ask the CCCWA (China Center for Children's Welfare and Adoption) to just transfer the file from her current agency to our agency when the time came. In a sense, SKIP the Shared List. Now, THAT seemed much less intense...but I would need to tell our agency what to do and when. Literally...at one point in the beginning of this journey, our social worker asked me, "So can I ask why you chose us!?" LOL. I was a little taken aback. But, I was also doing a lot of "telling" these days and wasn't really doing a lot of waiting. So touché! Our agency has been great though...truly!
     Long story, only somewhat shorter, our agency was able to ask the CCCWA for her file to be transferred and that request was granted. So in January, we were able to review her file. Answered prayer! As I opened her file for the first time on my computer...I quickly scanned the top. Much of the file is translated, but it usually has both the Chinese and English information. At the very top of the first page was her given Chinese name...and wouldn't you know? Beside her Chinese name, it said: Meaning "joyful." WHAT?! God turned this "small to me" detail into a very "BIG TO HIM" detail. We had considered using Aliza's Chinese name as a middle name, but since we hadn't with Josiah...we weren't sure it made sense to change it up. But after learning that her given name meant joy, we decided it was pretty evident that we should use Joy as her middle name and cover all our bases. So Aliza Joy...essentially, Joy, Joy. A double portion! How fitting for ALL the ways God had spoken to us about this sweet and precious detail that was BIG enough to weave into our journey again and again.
     While it seemed silly to determine a name before we even knew Aliza was ours...I am in awe at how God used the word "joy" to show us His faithfulness, His goodness, and His ability to be such a personal God. Only God can take such a detail, like an over-obsessive Mama picking out a name based on its meaning, and literally weave it into all of the special turning points of this journey. It seemed like such a small detail to think about...maybe even premature...but to God...no detail is TOO small. God is in the details, friends. Always. 

x

A Story Not Yet Finished

     Greetings! It's been a while since I've committed any time to this virtual space of my life. Truthfully, after I posted our one year update...I decided to take a necessary break from social media. My reasons were many, but a large factor in my decision was because I was losing sleep over advocacy posts of waiting kiddos in China. So many waiting kiddos. Without families. Silly of me? Maybe. But, my heart has always been on the tender side. Perhaps to a fault. I'll never forget a fellow adoptive Mama telling me that she doesn't belong to these advocacy groups anymore because it's too hard! There are SO many kids who need a loving family. And you DO lose sleep over their sweet faces. I should have listened far sooner because I can definitely attest to the lack of sleep. So off of Facebook I went...indefinitely. After all, why do I need to search advocacy sites when I have a beautiful family right in front of me? (Foreshadowing at its finest.)
     When we brought Josiah home in July 2017, China's adoption program went through several big changes. A few of these included: 12 months between adoptions, the youngest child in the family needed to be 3, and having an approved home study to review a child's file. It's scary to think that the second change I mentioned would have kept us from bringing our Siah Bug home. Remember, he and our youngest biological daughter are a mere 26 days apart. We're so thankful for God's timing and wisdom in our journey to Josiah! We love our "twins" and their antics. Ha!
     Now, I'd be lying if I told you I hadn't thought about a second adoption even before we finished our adoption with Josiah. Because I did think about. In fact, I told Eric that I'd likely want to go to China again. A sort of "Just so you know..." statement... right before heading on a 15+ hour flight and a two week stay in a foreign country. Luckily, he's used to my crazy ideas and big heart, and yet...remains cool and collected. Now, I'd also be lying if I told you I still thought about going back to China after we brought Josiah home. I remember those first several months of sleepless nights and endless tantrums and thinking, How STUPID of me to think that I could do this again? I am so weak! I could never do this again! Now, emotionally, those thoughts probably weren't the healthiest thoughts, nor were they God's thoughts. But I definitely wasn't sure anymore how I'd feel once we reached the year mark. Thankfully, we didn't really need to think about this too much with the new rule changes. There had to be a year separating adoptions now.
     And then Josiah's one year home arrived. And we were sleeping. And Josiah was blossoming. And we were getting into more of a groove. Tantrums hadn't ceased completely, but they'd improved. He was even beginning to self-regulate- which was HUGE. His speech was progressing. We had even been given a blessing of longer lengths between neurology visits. Naturally, with all of these improvements, I began to have that feeling again. That feeling of going back to China. I'd casually bring it up to Eric and he'd kind of laugh. I'd slip back on Facebook and show him pictures from my advocacy groups. Pictures of kiddos who were still waiting. Pictures of kiddos who needed a mom, and a dad, and maybe even four siblings. I wasn't necessarily expecting a response, but moreso just waiting for him to respond with his own thoughts and feelings. I knew where I was leaning, but where was he?
     Going back to China couldn't be my decision. It had to be our decision. Adoption can bring a lot of joy and (good) growth into a family, but it can also bring in some ugly stuff too. Impatience, imperfection, sadness, loneliness. All fun stuff, right? Why, why, why would I want to go back to China again? Simple. Because I believe God was calling me to do just that.
     I remember Eric standing in our living room, perhaps just before the school year had started...and he said "Alright, let's go." I was caught off-guard by this statement. It was unprompted and out of the blue. So I asked, "Go where?" He said, "To China. Isn't that what you want to do?" Well, OBVIOUSLY, that was what I wanted to hear him say...except that it wasn't. It didn't feel right. At that moment in time, my husband had just given me the GREEN light that we could go back to China. And yet, there I sat on red. Stopped. It didn't feel like what he truly wanted at the time...at least not yet. So I told him the timing wasn't right. And we were able to have a great discussion about being on the same page in all areas before moving forward. I didn't want him to say yes because he knew it was what I wanted. I wanted him to say yes because he also wanted to go back. If his answer was no, then it was no. And I told him I'd have to be OK with that- no strings attached.
     Fast forward to later that Fall, and my feelings were a bit stronger and a bit more urgent. I was really feeling God's calling to pursue a "waiting" child. I ended my social media break and began looking at kiddos who had been waiting longer than most. Typically, these kiddos are waiting due to their medical needs or even because of "older" age. Many families are interested in children as young as possible and with mild to correctable needs. In many ways, that simply wasn't China's adoption program anymore. (There's always a BIG discussion on what defines "mild to correctable" and I wont' go into that now because it is truly dependent on what a family feels comfortable with pursuing.)
     At the end of this past November, I found a sweet little girl in an advocacy group I was a part of on Facebook. She was 3 at the time and had down syndrome. I could not shake her sweet face out of my mind. I talked with Eric and showed her picture to him...like I usually did with kiddos. Down syndrome had been something on my heart for a LONG time. When I first graduated college, I started subbing. And sometimes, subbing would allow me to teach in a special needs classroom. It was my favorite room to be in because of the kiddos I had the chance to interact with every time I was in there. Then, on our trip with Josiah, we met a sweet family in Guangzhou and I remember talking to the mom about this same tug on my heart. A tug that was more than a decade old. She and her husband were adopting a little girl with DS who was around 2 at the time. I firmly believe God was continuing to sow the seed that had been planted in my heart those years ago.
     This mom and I have kept in contact periodically since we traveled in 2017. It was the first week of December and I remember having a conversation with her about that little girl who I couldn't keep from my mind. As we ended our conversation that night, she said, "I will pray God shows you His will and reveals your next child to you in a big way so it's very clear." Golly. I had to go back to our conversation so I could use quotes because it is THAT important to God's story of our journey to China this time. Sometimes, I struggle with asking God to make clear what I (feel I) should otherwise figure out on my own. But, I am SO THANKFUL for the bold prayers of my friend...because God spoke very clearly to me the very next  day. ONLY GOD! *See why I had to quote her?!
     I was standing in the kitchen. (Fun side note: Eric and I ALSO decided in our kitchen that Josiah was OURS! But I digress again...) This particular night, Eric was helping me cook dinner and I sorta gasped...not that Eric was helping me cook dinner...but because I had just received the message that would change our course forever. Someone from Show Hope, reached out to me about this little girl that had been on my heart. She had seen my name come across the advocacy post about this particular girl and wanted to reach out. This Show Hope representative had been a preschool teacher at Maria's Big House of Hope and KNEW this sweet girl well. WHAT?! Can God smack me in the head any harder than that?! The messages that followed brought me to tears. The sweet girl I had been praying about was ALSO on the heart of this Show Hope teacher. In fact, this teacher shared that each month she chose a specific child from their Care Center to pray over and in December, she had changed her lock screen to a picture of this little girl so she could pray over her that month. WHAT?! ONLY GOD! I am so grateful that God uses others to bring His plan to fruition. We experienced this same love during our journey to Josiah. That moment in our kitchen is cemented into my heart forever. I showed Eric the messages. Eric looked at me and said, "Well I don't know how much more clear it can be?" So...that night, we decided to pursue our DAUGHTER. Our Aliza Joy! God has had His hand in every detail and I look forward to sharing how He has gone before us in every step of this journey. Thank you for your prayers and for following along. I'll be back to this sweet space soon!