A Story Not Yet Finished

     Greetings! It's been a while since I've committed any time to this virtual space of my life. Truthfully, after I posted our one year update...I decided to take a necessary break from social media. My reasons were many, but a large factor in my decision was because I was losing sleep over advocacy posts of waiting kiddos in China. So many waiting kiddos. Without families. Silly of me? Maybe. But, my heart has always been on the tender side. Perhaps to a fault. I'll never forget a fellow adoptive Mama telling me that she doesn't belong to these advocacy groups anymore because it's too hard! There are SO many kids who need a loving family. And you DO lose sleep over their sweet faces. I should have listened far sooner because I can definitely attest to the lack of sleep. So off of Facebook I went...indefinitely. After all, why do I need to search advocacy sites when I have a beautiful family right in front of me? (Foreshadowing at its finest.)
     When we brought Josiah home in July 2017, China's adoption program went through several big changes. A few of these included: 12 months between adoptions, the youngest child in the family needed to be 3, and having an approved home study to review a child's file. It's scary to think that the second change I mentioned would have kept us from bringing our Siah Bug home. Remember, he and our youngest biological daughter are a mere 26 days apart. We're so thankful for God's timing and wisdom in our journey to Josiah! We love our "twins" and their antics. Ha!
     Now, I'd be lying if I told you I hadn't thought about a second adoption even before we finished our adoption with Josiah. Because I did think about. In fact, I told Eric that I'd likely want to go to China again. A sort of "Just so you know..." statement... right before heading on a 15+ hour flight and a two week stay in a foreign country. Luckily, he's used to my crazy ideas and big heart, and yet...remains cool and collected. Now, I'd also be lying if I told you I still thought about going back to China after we brought Josiah home. I remember those first several months of sleepless nights and endless tantrums and thinking, How STUPID of me to think that I could do this again? I am so weak! I could never do this again! Now, emotionally, those thoughts probably weren't the healthiest thoughts, nor were they God's thoughts. But I definitely wasn't sure anymore how I'd feel once we reached the year mark. Thankfully, we didn't really need to think about this too much with the new rule changes. There had to be a year separating adoptions now.
     And then Josiah's one year home arrived. And we were sleeping. And Josiah was blossoming. And we were getting into more of a groove. Tantrums hadn't ceased completely, but they'd improved. He was even beginning to self-regulate- which was HUGE. His speech was progressing. We had even been given a blessing of longer lengths between neurology visits. Naturally, with all of these improvements, I began to have that feeling again. That feeling of going back to China. I'd casually bring it up to Eric and he'd kind of laugh. I'd slip back on Facebook and show him pictures from my advocacy groups. Pictures of kiddos who were still waiting. Pictures of kiddos who needed a mom, and a dad, and maybe even four siblings. I wasn't necessarily expecting a response, but moreso just waiting for him to respond with his own thoughts and feelings. I knew where I was leaning, but where was he?
     Going back to China couldn't be my decision. It had to be our decision. Adoption can bring a lot of joy and (good) growth into a family, but it can also bring in some ugly stuff too. Impatience, imperfection, sadness, loneliness. All fun stuff, right? Why, why, why would I want to go back to China again? Simple. Because I believe God was calling me to do just that.
     I remember Eric standing in our living room, perhaps just before the school year had started...and he said "Alright, let's go." I was caught off-guard by this statement. It was unprompted and out of the blue. So I asked, "Go where?" He said, "To China. Isn't that what you want to do?" Well, OBVIOUSLY, that was what I wanted to hear him say...except that it wasn't. It didn't feel right. At that moment in time, my husband had just given me the GREEN light that we could go back to China. And yet, there I sat on red. Stopped. It didn't feel like what he truly wanted at the time...at least not yet. So I told him the timing wasn't right. And we were able to have a great discussion about being on the same page in all areas before moving forward. I didn't want him to say yes because he knew it was what I wanted. I wanted him to say yes because he also wanted to go back. If his answer was no, then it was no. And I told him I'd have to be OK with that- no strings attached.
     Fast forward to later that Fall, and my feelings were a bit stronger and a bit more urgent. I was really feeling God's calling to pursue a "waiting" child. I ended my social media break and began looking at kiddos who had been waiting longer than most. Typically, these kiddos are waiting due to their medical needs or even because of "older" age. Many families are interested in children as young as possible and with mild to correctable needs. In many ways, that simply wasn't China's adoption program anymore. (There's always a BIG discussion on what defines "mild to correctable" and I wont' go into that now because it is truly dependent on what a family feels comfortable with pursuing.)
     At the end of this past November, I found a sweet little girl in an advocacy group I was a part of on Facebook. She was 3 at the time and had down syndrome. I could not shake her sweet face out of my mind. I talked with Eric and showed her picture to him...like I usually did with kiddos. Down syndrome had been something on my heart for a LONG time. When I first graduated college, I started subbing. And sometimes, subbing would allow me to teach in a special needs classroom. It was my favorite room to be in because of the kiddos I had the chance to interact with every time I was in there. Then, on our trip with Josiah, we met a sweet family in Guangzhou and I remember talking to the mom about this same tug on my heart. A tug that was more than a decade old. She and her husband were adopting a little girl with DS who was around 2 at the time. I firmly believe God was continuing to sow the seed that had been planted in my heart those years ago.
     This mom and I have kept in contact periodically since we traveled in 2017. It was the first week of December and I remember having a conversation with her about that little girl who I couldn't keep from my mind. As we ended our conversation that night, she said, "I will pray God shows you His will and reveals your next child to you in a big way so it's very clear." Golly. I had to go back to our conversation so I could use quotes because it is THAT important to God's story of our journey to China this time. Sometimes, I struggle with asking God to make clear what I (feel I) should otherwise figure out on my own. But, I am SO THANKFUL for the bold prayers of my friend...because God spoke very clearly to me the very next  day. ONLY GOD! *See why I had to quote her?!
     I was standing in the kitchen. (Fun side note: Eric and I ALSO decided in our kitchen that Josiah was OURS! But I digress again...) This particular night, Eric was helping me cook dinner and I sorta gasped...not that Eric was helping me cook dinner...but because I had just received the message that would change our course forever. Someone from Show Hope, reached out to me about this little girl that had been on my heart. She had seen my name come across the advocacy post about this particular girl and wanted to reach out. This Show Hope representative had been a preschool teacher at Maria's Big House of Hope and KNEW this sweet girl well. WHAT?! Can God smack me in the head any harder than that?! The messages that followed brought me to tears. The sweet girl I had been praying about was ALSO on the heart of this Show Hope teacher. In fact, this teacher shared that each month she chose a specific child from their Care Center to pray over and in December, she had changed her lock screen to a picture of this little girl so she could pray over her that month. WHAT?! ONLY GOD! I am so grateful that God uses others to bring His plan to fruition. We experienced this same love during our journey to Josiah. That moment in our kitchen is cemented into my heart forever. I showed Eric the messages. Eric looked at me and said, "Well I don't know how much more clear it can be?" So...that night, we decided to pursue our DAUGHTER. Our Aliza Joy! God has had His hand in every detail and I look forward to sharing how He has gone before us in every step of this journey. Thank you for your prayers and for following along. I'll be back to this sweet space soon!