And With the Good...Comes the Hard

     Today was our visit to the orphanage. It's the day I've been most nervous about even before we were in-country. I knew my heart would be heavy for the kids we would see. But, I didn't expect the extent of emotional trauma it would cause Josiah. I am not naive. Eric and I knew it would be difficult for him...but we didn't expect it to be worse than Family Day. This was the third straight day Josiah had to be in contact with caretakers from his past.
     Is there good in this circumstance? Absolutely. Josiah was LOVED for the first 16 months of his life. He grew up in an amazing facility with lots of opportunities for kids. Kunming is one of the top 10 orphanages in the country. It's beautiful on the exterior with equal beauty on the inside. We knew experiencing this day would allow us to understand his past...the past we missed and didn't know much a month. Experiencing this day would allow us to fill in any gaps Josiah might have when he gets older and asks questions. It would allow his nannies to see how loved he is already by us. All of these things were good reasons to go. And that's why we went. But it still broke my heart into a million pieces.
     On our tour, we had the chance to go into the play room during lunch time. Josiah writhed out of Eric's arms. He knew exactly what was happening! He grabbed one of the nannies by the hand and pulled her over to a Bumbo type seat. He plopped down and opened his mouth. Eric and I just laughed. This is what he did...every day when we imagined and prayed for him during lunch...this is what it looked like! It was such an amazing memory to witness.
     While Josiah was being fed, I got the chance to walk around and play with some of the babies. I loved every minute of it! One sweet boy even let me hold him more than once. He was a solid little cutie with such an angelic face. There were so many kids...but also so many nannies. Feeding them. Playing with them. Loving on them. It was such a blessing to see.
     When we left, Josiah melted down. He screamed and screamed and screamed. We went up to see where the children slept only to meet some more of his caretakers.

One woman took him right out of our arms. She held him the entire time. She even let him pick another pair of shoes off of the shelf in the room. She showed us where he slept. And we appreciated her love and fondness for Josiah so so much. But the shoes set him off...and now he doesn't want to remove them in our hotel room. *This is common for a lot of adopted kiddos but Josiah had not had a problem with this Monday or Tuesday.* 

     He screamed even more after we left the sleeping room. It was so hard for him to calm down. After our tour was over, it was back on the bus. He fell asleep on my lap...but not because he was comforted by me... because he was so emotionally exhausted. Here we are in front of his orphanage...ready to GO!

     We definitely took several steps backwards today. It was a necessary day and we don't regret it... but it was a LOT for my Mama heart. Eric and I had a hard time rebounding after all of the commotion. We did take a walk around Green Lake Park, but I had to deal with a lot of staring.  A white woman...with curly hair... carrying an Asian baby. Yeah. Lots of stares.
    (Sigh) Tomorrow is a new day though! And I'm reminded of the truth in Lamentations 3:22-23. I'm so thankful that His mercies never end and that they begin anew each morning. Today was necessary, but it was hard.

     Let's end this post with a random, but sweet picture I caught before bedtime tonight...a baby in a diaper! Goodnight, friends! From all of us!