So as I've shared before...I wear my heart RIGHT on my sleeve. I can be <slightly> impulsive with my feelings. I recently saw a shirt that said "I can't keep calm because...ORPHANS." Annnnnnd I'll probably need that shirt sooner than later. I can obsess about situations that tug at my heart strings...which are easily tugged. In short (or long), I am basically an emotional ball of MESS. I'd still like to think of this quality as both good and bad though. Ok? Ok.
Like take the day almost five years ago when I bought a baby bag...before I had a baby. Yeah. Makes sense, right? Well, maybe if you were actually pregnant. But I wasn't. I wanted to be pregnant (again)...but I wasn't yet. But there I was...at the Vera Bradley Outlet sale...buying a baby bag. That's what I do. That's how I roll. The irony is that we would experience secondary infertility for the next four-ish years. While those were some of the most trying times in our marriage...I grew and learned so much about my relationship with Christ. In short, I NEED Christ. Badly. Moving on!
Now let's take the day about three years ago when I was in TJ Maxx and saw the cutest wooden letter J. There it was...sitting on a shelf...staring at me. Before I could blink, there the J jumped...into my cart. Ok fine. It didn't jump. I snatched that letter RIGHT up though! Why, you ask?! Because I have liked the name "Josiah" for a long time and I really wanted to name a little boy Josiah. OUR little boy.
Recap: I had a baby bag, but no baby. I also had a letter J, but no baby boy to name Josiah. Ok, great. We're on the same page! Emotional ball of mess. It's who I am! But, God! Remember? Let's fast forward to six months ago when we began our journey to our sweet and precious boy.
When we received our first pictures of our little guy...I immediately remembered my boy name...Josiah! He looked like a Josiah. (Of course he did!) But again, I wanted to get Eric's opinion and see what he was thinking. And then I looked up the meaning of Josiah. And the decision process pretty much ended before it even began. Josiah means "healed or supported by God." Of course it does! I made sure I typed in the right spelling. I checked a few other sites. "Healed or supported by God." All across the board. At that moment, I broke down and cried. It was truly the PERFECT name for our sweet and precious boy.
You see...we haven't shared our Josiah's special need with anyone. This is for several reasons. Mostly, there's a lot of unknown. We don't want to share something that we don't know much about. We want to get him home so we can fully understand what's going on and how we can help him. We also don't want his special need to define him. Says every Mama Bear in the history of ever. Someone recently told me...that he doesn't look like he has a special need. And honestly, it broke my heart a little. I know this comment was not meant to be hurtful. But this comment is exactly why we aren't sharing until we know more. And even then, we'll be careful to protect our sweet Josiah...because whether God heals Josiah PHYSICALLY...we KNOW our God will heal Josiah SPIRITUALLY...and we believe our God can heal Josiah EMOTIONALLY. Josiah, you are loved. You are treasured. You are HIS. And we love you so.so.much.