Isn't It Time For Another?

I suppose when you have a baby 2 months into your marriage and then have another baby 21 months later...this question isn't totally out in left field. But let me say that life's circumstances have made me extremely sensitive to these five words. "Isn't it time for another?" Not only do I cringe when I hear these words...but I definitely won't say these words to anyone. Not anymore. I've learned to be very humble about this perspective over the last 2 years.

Shortly after our brown-eyed boy (child #2) turned 1, we decided we would start trying to grow our family again. After almost a year of negative pregnancy tests, we decided that maybe something was wrong and we should consult a doctor. We worked with my doctor for a few months before we were referred to a fertility specialist. The fertility specialist seemed optimistic and we tried some things...then we tried some more things. And finally, after crying before the Lord as we drove to the hospital for a 12 day ultrasound...only to find out later that we weren't having "another"...we decided we were done. We were done trying. It wasn't time.

We hadn't tried like this before...in fact, we hadn't really tried much at all with our first two. God has a wonderful way of humbling you in times like these. You see, when you make plans like "I want to be done having kids by the time I'm 30"...God will take those words and turn them into vapors...because they aren't His words...they're our own fleshy words. So here I sit...a FRESH 30 year old (as of yesterday) and what I really long for is another child. It almost makes me laugh. How silly to think that I can make these plans. I do appreciate a good sense of humor- one that humbles you and brings you to your knees in the most honest way.

Two years. In the scheme of waiting and trying, two years can mean so many different things. I have friends that have waited and tried longer. I have friends that didn't have to wait and try as long. Every story is different. But the longing isn't. The hurt isn't. The bitterness and anger aren't different. For two years, I've had to smile and say something stupid to that five-word question. I've fumbled so many times in the last two years. Some fumbles are prettier than others. Some fumbles are just plain ugly...full of hurt and anger...because the truth is...if it were up to us...we'd have another! Maybe even another, another! And to be honest, I have responded with those feelings as of late. I've responded poorly to people's lack of perspective. Funny that even though God extends me grace, I don't always extend it when I should. Talk about conviction. The reality of those words is that it isn't time for another. God is in charge of defining "another" and when he/she will come. Some days, God's answer to that question is easier to understand than others. But we trust and we wait. And pray for peace and understanding every single second in between. So my answer to that five-word question is, "It isn't time for another. Not yet."