Sunday, January 18, 2015

And one.

3:00 AM.

     Wide awake. I debated on whether to capitalize on my alertness and do something more productive. Something more productive than taking up space in our bed...not sleeping.

4:00 AM.

     Still not capitalizing on productivity...but still not sleeping, either.

Buzzzz. Buzzzz.

My phone vibrated on my nightstand...indicating I had an email. Since sleep and I weren't friends, I decided to define productivity as: checking my email at 4 o'clock in the morning. Oh the joy it would be to see what kind of spam message I was getting at such an odd hour. But behold! It was my encouraging word from KLOVE. *Well played, KLOVE...well played.* I opened it to find this verse from Matthew 7:7.

"Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you." 

     I can assure you that this verse did NOT send me into a deep slumber. But it did send me into a deeper state of thought about what God might be speaking to me at this wee hour of the morning. 

     A few years ago, as a Valentine's day present, Eric and I went to a Francesca Battistelli concert put on by a local Christian radio station. One of the opening bands for Franny was Love and the Outcome. *Can I just say that we love hearing their music on the radio because it's like we knew about them first!? Ok, not really. But it's still cool to think that we heard Love and the Outcome's music before they hit the "big time" radio stations. Anywho,  I digress.* The super sweet husband and wife duo played a few of their songs to open things up. Eric and I both really enjoyed their music. Since this particular concert was in February, Love and the Outcome's album wasn't due to come out until later that year. I remember being a little bummed that I had to wait so long for their album. But nonetheless, I quickly plugged their release date into my phone. That way, I could purchase their album as soon as it came out...and you can bet your bottom dollar I did just that. Like a kid on Christmas morning, I flipped quickly through the songs we hadn't heard yet. I tend to "taste test" my music when I buy an album...each song only gets about 30 seconds of air time until I go to the next one. Once I've tried every song, then I go back and play them all the way through. As I began to play their song Ask, I quickly passed the 30 second "taste test"...and before I knew it, the song had ended. And then I found myself pushing back to hear it again. And again. And again. The words in the chorus were filled with encouragement I needed to lean on:

There is a purpose in our seeking
There is a light beyond this door
We have a promise in our knocking
He wants to give us so much more
If we just ask, ask
If we just ask, ask 

     As I said, this was a "put on repeat" kind of song for me...especially as we began to struggle with infertility. With every failed pregnancy test, I came back to this song time and time again. But after a year had passed, I began to feel like a broken record. In fact, I began to feel just...broken. So instead of asking...I pulled back and waited. I prayed for peace and understanding. I asked for forgiveness for all of the bitterness I was feeling. But somewhere between bitterness and feeling selfish for asking for something that clearly wasn't meant to be at the time, I quit. I quit asking.


     So enter again, this verse from Matthew, that came across my phone on a night when sleep seemed impossible. Thankfully, the words of truth seemed to come at a most opportune time and reminded me of the song I had leaned on for so long. The same song that had collected dust for the past year or so when I declared that I was done asking. Done. So much so that when this song came across my iTunes playlist, I'd quickly push Next. I didn't want to hear it anymore. I was trying to move on. I had been there and "asked" that already. But the words in Matthew 7:7 encouraged me to play the first verse of Ask in my head that night. The same first verse that got me past that 30 second taste test a few years ago:

What do you need?
What fears do you hide?
When you're on your knees
What tears do you cry?

Our Father knows your deepest hurt
Before you've ever said a word
But still He wants to hear your voice

When I think about what it is that I truly desire...I feel like I've asked a million times.  I'm confident that God already knows my heartache. And I'm confident that He already knows the desires of my heart. But perhaps, God was whispering to me that night with these powerful words from Matthew 7:7..."Lindsay, ask me again. Ask me and make that one million...and one."







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