On Sunday, our pastor ended his sermon with some blank index cards. He asked each of us to write down a prayer or "thing" that we were going through in our lives. He wanted to remind us that we can give these things over to Him. You know...Let go and let God type of stuff. With our written prayers in hand, he invited us up to the front of the church to give these things over to God. One by one, members of our congregation went up with prayers and dropped them into a basket. Admittedly, I really wanted to co-write one with Eric. "I'll have what he's having" type of thing. I feel like a broken record sometimes with my heart's desire. Maybe I could move on to something else. Be something else. So I sat for a long time and watched other people go up and lay their prayers before God. Maybe I won't even write one. Then, I saw Eric writing. Ok, so we're not co-authoring this thing. I'm on my own. I peeked at what he was writing. Bless him. His prayer was about our neighbor who had been badly injured in a fire. And here I was..."thing"less before God because all I can think about is this ONE thing that consumes me. All the time as of late. And quite frankly, it seems selfish. It's all about me and what I want. So no. I'm not going to write it. But then again, I need to write it. I need God's help with this thing. It cannot consume me. I need HIM to consume me and take control of this thing. I can't be in control. So I covered up my index card and chicken-scratched my thing onto the index card. There. Fine. I wrote it. Eric and I got up and walked to the front of the church.
Cue the crying, friends. I mean cryyyyyiiiinning. I barely made it to the basket before the tears set in. I was so overcome with emotions because like I said this "thing" is consuming my life. It's paralyzing me. Even as I'm writing this post, I might make this MacBook short out on me from a puddle of salty tears. But God isn't letting me move on from this thing. I don't think I'm supposed to move on. Last Wednesday, I sat in church at 7PM and listened to a dear friend share her heart. She was speaking about adoption. She and her husband had hit a few roadblocks and were trying to figure out if they were to have a family or not. She finally prayed to God to take away the overwhelming ache in her heart. She ached so much for a child and she cried out before Him..."Lord, if this isn't Your will...then please take this feeling away. I need to get rid of this feeling in my heart." Let me tell you...that ache she was praying about? It's the real deal. Trust me. I would love to feel full instead of empty. I would love to be content with where I am right now. After all, God has blessed Eric and I in so many ways. We have two beautiful children who give me joy every day. They also bring some other emotions too...but joy nonetheless. How selfish of me to want something more? How selfish of me to not be content with what He has given me? But still...there's this ache in my heart. There's a longing that I can't always describe or get over.
My thing is to adopt and be a Mom again. And I wish I could snap my fingers and make this thing go away sometimes. Because this thing is hard. And it hurts. This thing is paralyzing. It has made me tearful more times than I can count in the last month. But instead of shoving this thing deep inside my heart...I need God to take this thing out. I need God to help me define this thing and name it. I need Him to help me commit to it and embrace it. Right now, I'm just trying to hide it and keep it a "thing." Will there be tears as we wade through the muddiness of this thing? You bet! And you know what...I'll be really good at that part. Remember that jump rope? Well it's that birthday chant again...and our September has come and gone friends...it's time to jump in. Tears here I come...I'm ready.
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